Well, this has been fun 🙂
I have mentioned here before that I have worked in the Early Childhood Education field for more than 15 years. I started when I was only 17 years old, got a degree in Pedagogy, a Diploma in Early childhood education and for those many years I have worked from a classroom assistant to a Room Leader, then even a centre director. So for so many years, I was in contact with children and families every day. I really enjoyed it and have until today a love for children and their development.
I got pregnant with my first born when I was 29 years old and back then I thought that all my knowledge was going to help me when I had my own children. Stop to LOL here! Of course I had no idea of what was going to happen.
When I was 31, I got pregnant with my second child and even though I can say that it was a bit lighter as I knew what to expect, I had other challenges as a mother of 2 and until now a days, I continue to have it as not only taking care of 2 little humans, but educating them, is CRAZY!
I won’t say that it did not help, because it did. In terms of development, how to change a nappy, give a bath, introduce food, create activities, etc, I was in my comfort zone. However, I had absolutely no clue about my emotional side, how being a mother would affect my mental health, how I would change and how things like sleep deprivation would really affect me. And so many other layers.
I had to deal with so many feelings and situations that all mothers go through: the fear that comes with it, the guilt, the worrying, the multitasking, the exhaustion, the doubts. As well as felt the love, the happiness, the fulfillment and beautiful thing that it is to have a child too.
My reality was and has been intense, challenging, but really special and fulfilling because I have been learning that becoming a mother made myself a better person. When I became a mother, a big part of me died, for a new version to be born. But now, I’m rescuing some parts of me that were left behind in the journey, and this has been amazing.
To summarize it, my reality as a mother was far from perfect, far from what people show on their socials and far from benign the way I imagined. I am an immigrant, without any support system, just me and hubby. I had to deal with day to day challenges by myself and had to make it work on a daily basis as I had no options. I always had to find ways to make money, to work, even while taking care of my children as there were no options. I had to put my children in childcare before I wanted to because I was struggling financially and mentally. I had many anxiety attacks because I had to work in places I did not want to, to survive financially. I had to reach rock bottom to take the courage to make tough changes so everything could change and get better.
But I was also able to be present in every milestone my children had. I was also able to be part of their everyday routine, I was also able to educate them, to participate in their life 100%, to give them a safe and happy life, to cook them nourishing food, to give them an environment with friends and people that would take care of them. To give them the life I did not have in so many ways. And for that, I’m so proud of myself.
I truly believe life is not perfect, but you can find what is perfect for you. We will never be 100% satisfied in every area of our lives, but we need to focus on our values and beliefs, so we can try and be aligned with it.
My motherhood reality so far has been a transformation. A transformation from who I was to who I’m becoming. Maybe who I am remembering to be. Most of my days are challenging, sometimes I want to run away from it and some days I just do not want to do what I need to. But now, I have learned to embrace the chaos, to prioritise myself, to be a bit more grateful and to focus on the positive, and with that, my days have been becoming lighter.
I try to remember that what I have today, I have wished for for so many years and even though I also look forward to the future and some changes, all we have is now!
So yes, I do love to be a mom, my boys are my world and I would not change my life for anything else, but I would definitely add a week holiday by myself in Fiji LOL.
And that is COMPLETELY acceptable.
Love,
Dea